I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
