who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
