the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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