I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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