Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
