my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
