mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
is it fun? or sober?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
