The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
