Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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