Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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