Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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