I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
