Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
