I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
As shirtless as possible
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
