I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
