a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
