the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
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Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
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At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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