I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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