Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
