Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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