i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
