We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
