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You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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