i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
