What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
