Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
