Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
In America we eat man semen.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
