Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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