Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
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I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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