Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
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I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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