the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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