White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
