Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
