girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
