What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
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Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
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New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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