addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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