I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
