It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
