Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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