am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
