I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
