Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize