I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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