The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
