It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
