i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
