I accidentally had phone sex last night
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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