So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
