i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
