A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My bed smells like the plague
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
