he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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