The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
