so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
